It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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