the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
