I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
4 words: hood of his car
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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