In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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