every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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