I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
