My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
