I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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