and she was petting her beer can
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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