Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
