k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
