I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
