You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
