when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
