I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
