god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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