Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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