I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
