Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm sobbing to NWA
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
