I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
