I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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