i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...