The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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