i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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