i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Randomize
