so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
