I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
