I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
