And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just had sex on a roof
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
