he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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