I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
