i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
