my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
