Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
