I didn't shave. On purpose
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
