No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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