if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
