I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
