Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
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I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
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you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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