broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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