I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
