Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
