I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
