moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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