I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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