My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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