we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
