His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
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The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
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I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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