We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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