he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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