I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
she looked like the before picture.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize