Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
