Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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