Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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