Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
